somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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