Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
