it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize