News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize