On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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