So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
