Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
