Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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