News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
