someone threw a dead crab at me
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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