proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize