i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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