Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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