so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
