Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cut my penus on the lid.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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