I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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