I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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