Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize