u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
