What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
