My Higher Power is John Stamos
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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