I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
