If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
