I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
