Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
