Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
