You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
