I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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