Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
