Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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