Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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