She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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