For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
