Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
