i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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