also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
