i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
