somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
