My friends, they love my intelligence
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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