It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
