I think I won the penis lottery.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
