Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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