I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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