i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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