the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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