so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
