i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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