I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
