Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
