hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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