dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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