I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
