my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
please don't ironically join a cult
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