I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
