Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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