My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
