I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize