OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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