Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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