I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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