so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
