i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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